Clean Mixed Jokes

Genie in the Lamp...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
Additional Details

20 hours ago
So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

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My Good Deed...

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"

"About three minutes ago."

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How Do You Clean Stuff?

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"

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The Wife's Birthday

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

Not So Sane Ones...

What's in a Name?

This American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

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Dark Secrets...

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."





The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

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Round the Bend

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner.

He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes, she leans out of the window and screams, "PIG!"

Astonished the man turns and yells back, "B*TCH!" as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

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Rolling Into Work.

For 30 years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9am on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when, on one particular day, 9am passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. The boss himself, looking at his watch, came out into the corridor.

Finally, at 10am precisely, Johnson showed up, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully into the office and said, aware that all eyes were on him, "I tripped and rolled down 2 flights of stairs in the underground. Nearly killed myself."

The boss then looked at him straight in the eye and said, "And to roll down 2 flights of stairs took a whole hour?"

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Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

Not So Blind Jokes...

Blind Meets Blond

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the lady next to him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The lady says back to the blind man, "Look honey, I'm blonde. The lady behind me is a 300-pound professional wrestler and she is a blonde. The bartender is blonde. The woman sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

A Blind Man's Visit to Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Please Don't flush, don't flush!"

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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, then it doesn't matter if I'm in the shower. You can send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.

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One day I was talking to my friend, and he said, "Yep, I'm color blind to one color." Then I asked him what color was he color blind to, and he said, "I don't know. I haven't seen it yet."

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Blind At The Bar

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

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Christmas Celebration of a Blind

On Christmas a blind man and his family were all in the living room opening presents. The next one came from his son which was a brand new cheese grater. The blind man thanked him and said that was very kind of him.

Next week his son came over and asked if he liked the present.
The old man said it was very short and was the most violent book he ever read.

Do You Agree With This?

Source: http://xkcd.com/202/

Blonde Jokes

Three blondes when walking across a field saw some kind of tracks.
"rabbit tracks" said the first
"dog tracks" said the second
"definitely fox tracks" said the third
While they were still arguing the train run them down

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There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out on a dry corn field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

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Blonde girl buys a bath but takes it back to the shop the next day complaining that all the water keeps running out.
The shopkeeper asks her if she bought a plug for it, to which she replies ' Oh you might have told me it was electric!'

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There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times.

Whose Dog is the Smartest?

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

Husband Shop

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still...

She goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak." She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

A King Was Looking For Someone To Marry His Daughter...

...The king summoned all eligible men in the kingdom to find her daughter a husband. This was the condition: the prospective prince should be able to make the king's horse laugh and cry at the same time.

No one was successful until Jose had his turn. He walks over to the horse, whispers into its ear, then the horse laughs. Everyone was amazed. After a few seconds, the horse was crying. Everyone was even more amazed. Finally, they found the princess her prince.

The King was curious and asked Jose how he did it:

King: That was amazing! When you whispered into the horse's ear, and made him laugh, what did you tell him?

Jose: I told him my d*ck was bigger than his.

King: Ha ha ha!!! So why did he cry??

Jose: Because I showed him my d*ck!


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Husband-Wife Stereotype

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!”

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

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There’s No One Like a Blonde

At work there were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde, who worked together at the office.

Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

Near the end of the day, the boss left and so did they.

The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.

The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.

The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.

"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

The Greatest Pick-Up Line COMEBACKS!!!!

M; Haven't we met before?
W; Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

M; Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W; Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

M; Your place or mine?
W; Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

M; I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
W; It's in the phone book.

M; So what do you do for a living?
W; I'm a female impersonator.

M; Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W; Do not Enter

M; How do you like your eggs in the morning?
W; Unfertilized

M; Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
W; Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

M; I want to give myself to you.
W; Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

M; If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
W; Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

M; Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
W; Sorry, I don't date outside my species..

M; Your body is like a temple.
W; Sorry, there are no services today.

M; I would go to the end of the world for you.
W; Yes, but would you stay there?

A Guy Came Home One Day After Getting Fired From Work...

... He was so depressed that he decided to end it all and kill himself.
He went to the medicine cabinet, pulled out a bottle and began to swallow a handful of Prozac pills he found there.

After the first few he felt a lot better.

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Honeymoon Couples

Bride and groom in the hotel suite. Groom removes his shoes and socks to reveal minging toes."OOh" says the bride "wot happened to your toes? Their all bent and odd" Groom repies"As a child I had TOELIO" "You mean polio?"
"No TOELIO.Its a disease that only affects the toes."
The groom proceeds to remove his trousers
"Goodness" says the bride."Wot happened to your knees? Their all deformed and lumpy"
"As a child I had KNEASLES"
"You mean measles?"
"No a rare illness which only affects the knees"The groom replies.
The groom removes his boxers,
"Dont tell me" says the bride "SMALLCOX"

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For Your Calamity!!!!!!!? Bra Sizes!!!!!!

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted.

Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

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*Spark*

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean…. My…. House."


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"What's Your Name?"

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new man.

"John," the new man replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new man sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

(Long Pause)

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

And You Call This Evolution...

Question / Answer Jokes

Q) Clop, Clop, Clop, BANG, BANG, Clop, Clop, Clop?

A) An Amish drive by shooting

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Q) What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?

A) You’re too young to smoke.

Laughable Jokes

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Some Blonde Jokes

Question: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Answer: Peroxide

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Question: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag)?
Answer: "'Debbie'...that's cute। What did you name the other one?"

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Question: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
Answer: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with
her pencil।

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The blondie was so happy when it finished a puzzle in 6 months saying 2-4years

A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.

The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"

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Blonde dials 911 (my apartment is on fire)
911 (can you confirm your address?)
Blonde (I am not sure what it is, Why?)
911 ( We'll how else will we get there)
Blonde (DUH, BIG RED TRUCK)